The invisible load

Gemma Hartley (who wrote the excellent book "Fed Up:  Emotional Labour, Women and the Way Forward" -- reviewed here) recently posted on her Substack ("No One Loves An Angry Woman") about a new book by Erica Djossa, "Releasing the Mother Load." 

Djossa posts on Instagram as "Momwell," where (among other things) she shares graphics outlining "The Invisible Load" that mothers carry -- e.g., "Bedtime Routine," "Handling Transitions." 

Looking at some of these graphics -- "Researcher of the Home," "Mealtime Routine," "Being the Creator of Fun, Magic and Memories," "The Keeper of Knowledge" -- all I could think was, hey, we non-moms do a lot of these same things too!  Yes, without the additional pressure of knowing small lives are depending on us and absorbing our example -- but some of these things (such as "deciding what to make," "preparing the grocery list," "shopping for food") need to be done whether or not we have kids. Others (e.g., "dealing with guilt and comparison," "worrying about finances and budget," "remembering all the things," "remembering where everything is," "implementing systems like calendars and reminders") are things we may still want or need to do because they make life easier and more pleasant for us and the people we love.  They're things that seem to fall to women to do, regardless of whether we're moms (and especially if we have a partner, and/or have other people depending on us, such as aging parents).  

The graphic Hartley used to illustrate her post was about "Back to School" -- "adjusting to a new routine," "buying and packing supplies," "remembering special days," "haircuts and first day of school photos," "drop off and pick up," and (this one really kills me) "grieving moments you will miss." (!) (Here's another one: "practicing separating" (!).  Like, how do you "practice separating" -- permanently??  :(  )  

I don't want to minimize the very real additional load that mothers carry -- but all I could think of was that every point on this list (and all the other similar lists on the Momwell IG account) is something that I never got to do/will never be able to do/will never be able to do with my child.  ALL of these are "moments I will miss/have missed."  

Yes, it's work, it's an additional load of stuff that mothers have to do, or feel obligated to do -- BUT, it's stuff you get to do with and FOR YOUR CHILD. 

And it's stuff that I will never get to do with and for mine.  

This, too, is an "invisible load" -- the "invisible load" of the bereaved mother and childless woman -- that parents never have to think about. 

"Queen High/Queen Wallis" by C.J. Carey (re-read)

North American cover 

(WARNING:  This review contains some mild spoilers related to the outcome of the first book in this series, "Widowland," as well as this one.)  

"Queen High" by C.J. Carey (which goes by the title "Queen Wallis" in North America) is the upcoming May book for the Nomo Book Club within the Childless Collective private online community, and the sequel to "Widowland," which I first read with the same book club in the fall of 2021 (reviewed here) and recently re-read (that review here). I first read "Queen High" in October 2022 when it was published in the U.K. (reviewed here) -- couldn't wait for it to be released in North America, almost a year later, and special-ordered a copy via Amazon! -- but I knew I'd want to re-read it to refresh my memory before our discussion begins -- particularly since I'll be the one leading it! (lol) 

"Queen High" picks up two years after the events of "Widowland." (See my review of that book for a description of the overall premise of both books. In a nutshell, the books are dystopian/alternative histories in which Germany conquered Britain in World War II.) It's 1955, the Leader (i.e., Hitler -- although he is never named) is dead and so is King Edward VIII.  (Rather improbably), our heroine, Rose Ransom, is back at her job in the Ministry of Culture, "correcting" classic works of British literature to conform to the new regime's worldview. By some miracle, her role in the Leader's assassination (obliquely referred to as "the Event") has not been discovered.   

Now Rose has added the title of Poet Hunter to her job description -- poetry being a particularly degenerate, subversive art form that has now been banned. She starts attending underground meetings where poetry is recited, circulated and discussed, invoking suppressed memories of her late father and the poetry he used to read to her. And she's been tasked with another special assignment: to go to Buckingham Palace and interview Queen Wallis, the American-born widow of the late King, prior to the upcoming visit of President and Mrs. Eisenhower of the United States. The recent murder of a high-ranking SS officer has the authorities on edge, desperate to solve the crime before the President arrives. 

As with "Widowland," this was a fast, absorbing read, with tension mounting as the the date of the Eisenhower visit draws near and the various plot elements converge. We find out more about what has happened to many of the characters we first met in "Widowland" -- including the Friedas (childless widows over the age of 50, ranked lowest on the social classification ladder), and Rose's former co-worker and lover, Oliver, who disappeared in the aftermath of "the Event."  

The ending still packs an emotional punch (albeit not as great as it did the first time I read the book, shortly after the death of Queen Elizabeth II)(let that be a hint/mild spoiler, lol). 

As I've observed previously, there are other dystopian novels with similar premises. Nevertheless, Carey does an amazing job of combining dystopian elements with feminism, patriotism, and the subversive power of literature. There's a lot here that will sound ominously familiar and highly relevant. I would love to see these novels being read more widely!  (And I still think that, properly done, they would make great movies/TV series!) 

4.5 stars this time around, but rounded up to 5 stars on Goodreads (my original rating). 

Our group's next book, coming up in June, is tennis legend Billie Jean King's memoir, "All In." (Just in time for Wimbledon!) It's a long one, so I'll probably start reading it soon, certainly by mid-May! 

ALI note:  The vilification of the Friedas -- and the regime's plans to deal with them -- can be difficult to read about (especially as someone who would be classified as a Frieda in this world). Once again, though, they prove themselves to be the true heroines of these books!  

Also:  In "Widowland," Rose's friend Helena becomes pregnant by a married SS officer. In "Queen High/Queen Wallis," we learn more about what's happened to her and her child.

Original UK cover 

Text note: As I mentioned here, and in my recent re-review, I noticed some differences between the original U.K. hardcover version of "Widowland" (published by Quercus) and the North American edition (published in paperback and digital formats by Sourcebooks)  -- most notably at the very end. I first noticed this when the North American paperback version came out (I already had the original hardcover edition from the U.K.). 

I wasn't consciously looking for differences between the U.K. & North American versions of "Queen High/Queen Wallis" as I re-read it (I originally read the UK hardcover, but chose the digital North American version, this time around) -- but last night, after I finished the book & turned out the lights and lay in bed, it struck me that I hadn't noticed a particular brief passage at the very end that, in the original hardcover UK version, I found very moving and had me reaching for Kleenex.  I checked this morning, and sure enough, those few sentences are missing from the North American version of the book!  

It's not anything that changes the overall arc or outcome of the book, or was as glaringly noticeable as the changes made to the very end of the North American version of "Widowland." But I'm really curious as to why those changes were made?!  

This was Book #14 read to date in 2024 (and Book #5 finished in April), bringing me to 31% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) on track to meet my goal. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

Odds & ends

• YES!!!!!!  Casting for three of the four main roles in the movie version of Richard Osman's "The Thursday Murder Club" was announced on Tuesday:  Helen Mirren as Elizabeth (the ONLY person I could ever picture in the role!!), Ben Kingsley as Ibrahim (on my casting list as a possibility), and Pierce Brosnan as Ron.  Never would have thought of him! -- but I think he will work out fine! Joyce, still TBA. (I've always pictured Penelope Wilton, or possibly Julie Walters.)  I love, love, LOVE these books!  I am so happy with these casting choices, and I CANNOT WAIT!!! to see the movie! ❤  (Haven't been to a movie theatre since pre-pandemic -- this would be worth risking covid for!  lol)   
• Links to my reviews of the books in the series, in order of publication:  
• "The Thursday Murder Club"  
• "The Man Who Died Twice" 
• "The Bullet That Missed" 
• "The Bullet That Missed (re-read)" 
• "The Last Devil to Die" 
• I kind of forgot (as I often do) that this was National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been busy and I haven't been on social media as much this week as I sometimes am, so I didn't realize it until I was looking at some Instagram posts -- "oh yeah...!"  It kind of feels like it doesn't apply to me anymore, as someone 20+ years out from fertility treatments, and permanently childless. 
• Except that it DOES apply. I'm (still) infertile, and always will be -- nothing has changed in that respect. And I saw a great Instagram Story from Katy at Childless Collective, pointing out that a good chunk (probably the majority!) of the billions upon billions of dollars in profits made by the pharmaceutical companies who are the major sponsors of NIAW actually came from US -- the people who did fertility treatments (often multiple cycles) that never worked, and eventually, ultimately, walked away with empty arms. If those companies invested even just a fraction of those huge profits into providing better support services and counselling and other such off-ramps for those of us whose treatments were unsuccessful and who had to stop, it might make a horribly fraught and jarring transition just a little bit easier to survive. (But I won't hold my breath...!) 
• "Fertility clinics in Ontario are desperately in need of government oversight," says an opinion piece in the Toronto Star this week. (Surprise!) (Not sure if this is behind a paywall, but unfortunately, no gift links apparently available.)  
• Got my first opt-out email related to Mother's Day last week (from Ancestry -- see the screenshot, above). May there be many more!  (But I haven't noticed any since then... and I'm not holding my breath...!)  
• Have you seen the most recent TV commercial for Priceline with Kaley Cuoco (Penny on "The Big Bang Theory")?  
• "Hey, with Priceline VIP Family you can unlock deals five times faster... you don't even have to be an actual family," she chirps. (!)
• The guys she's talking to immediately start arguing, "Oh, I'd be the dad!" "I'm the dad!" etc. -- until Kaley says "Okay, which dad is paying?" -- and they all start pointing at each other. 
• Okay, you don't have to be an "actual family" to qualify -- i.e., no discrimination against singles or non-parents -- which is good (I guess?). But that phrase -- "an actual family" -- has me grinding my teeth. (Define "an actual family," right??) 
• (In fact, if anyone can get the deals, why is it even called "Priceline VIP Family" in the first place??)  
• Rosalyn Scott, who runs the NoMo Book Club on Instagram, has a new website featuring interviews with childless & childfree writers. Check it out at Other Words! 
• Mali has an essay in a new book that's coming out soon!  "Otherhood" is a collection of essays from New Zealand writers on being childless, childfree and child-adjacent, edited by Kathryn Van Beek, Alie Benge and Lil O'Brien. It's being released in NZ on May 9th. I checked a couple of North American bookseller websites, and it seems the e-book/Kindle version will be available here that day too, but we will have to wait until August for the paper edition. More details in Mali's recent post. 
• Infertile Phoenix is stepping away from her blog for a while. :(  Go leave her some appreciative words!  
• I am really enjoying Kirsten Powers's Substack, "Changing the Channel," and her most recent post really struck a chord with me -- and I suspect it will with many of you too:  " 'Winners' Know When To Quit:  Why we need to understand the power of letting go of what is not working." It's free to read (and the interview is free to watch -- there's a transcript you can download too) for a week (i.e., until about May 1st), and then it will go behind a subscriber paywall. (I'm just a free subscriber -- so far... can my budget afford yet another Substack subscription??  Hmmmm....)  
• I haven't watched the video or read the transcript yet -- and from what I can tell, there's not a word said about infertility treatments &/or childlessness -- but there's a line near the end that summarizes the message in a nutshell:  "We all need to learn how to quit before we hit rock bottom."  AMEN!  
• "Is It Okay To Dislike Children?"  Jill Filipovic, who is childfree by choice, ponders this question on her Substack. A couple of excerpts (but do go and read the whole thing -- I don't think it's paywalled):  

In the US, it’s overwhelmingly the same people who style themselves as pro-child and pro-family who are the most politically hostile to the actual well-being of children. Conservatives have for decades emphasized their love of children and babies, while cutting funding for public education and children’s healthcare, doing nothing to stop the gun murders of children in schools, opposing paid leave for the people who birth and raise those children, stripping school lunches of any nutritional value, and sometimes putting deadly weapons in their own children’s hands and then taking family Christmas photos. These are not generally people who identify as “child-free.” They are overwhelmingly people who say they love kids. But they are people who are really, really bad for children....

Most child-free people, as far as I can tell, do not hate children. Many adore children, they just don’t want to raise them; others don’t adore children and generally avoid them but don’t hate them either. And no doubt many people who really dislike children or are hostile to children in public spaces are also parents. But regardless of the reality, the childfree are generally the ones presumed to be hostile to children. So it’s interesting to look at the demographics of the child-free in America, where not having children is disproportionately common among highly-educated city-dwelling liberal women and gay men, and realize that the same people being tarred as child-haters are also the ones overwhelmingly voting and advocating for the policies which most benefit children and mothers. If that goes along with preferring a dog-friendly child-free local pub and allowing a look of annoyance to cross one’s face when one hears a screaming baby in a fancy restaurant, honestly, I’ll take it.

"Bel Lamington" by D.E. Stevenson (re-read)

My D.E. Stevenson group recently finished our chapter-by-chapter group reading and discussion of "Bel Lamington" (published in 1961). I read the book on my own back in January, before we began (original review here). 

An only child who was orphaned at age 3, Bel (Beatrice Elizabeth Lamington = BEL) was raised by a kind aunt, now dead. Now in her early 20s, Bel is working hard to make ends meet as a secretary to one of the partners in a London shipping firm.  

One day, she comes home to her flat and finds a strange young man sitting in the little garden she's created on the rooftop outside her window. Their subsequent friendship kicks off a series of changes and upheavals in Bel's life, including a reunion with an old school friend and an unexpected holiday in Scotland, where we get to catch up with some of our favourite characters from a few of DES's earlier novels.   

The usual elements of many DES novels are present here, including well-drawn, kind and thoughtful characters (with a dash of selfish & nasty supporting players for contrast and dramatic tension!) and lovely descriptions. I found Bel's privileged friend Louise mildly annoying, and a few of the plot elements/coincidences were a little hard to believe. But I appreciated the realistic portrayal of Bel's struggles to deal with loneliness and office politics (among other things), and her (well-founded) anxieties about illness and poverty. Mild spoiler alert:  there is a happy ending!  ;)  And, as usual, our group discussion added to my enjoyment of the book, broadened my perspective and deepened my understanding. 

ALI note:  The loss of a baby (both baby & mother unseen, but discussed) is mentioned. 

I'm upgrading my previous rating of 3.5 stars, rounded down to 3 on Goodreads, to 3.5, rounded up to 4.  :)    

Our next scheduled book will be the sequel to this one, "Fletcher’s End." Start date TBA. 

This was Book #13 read to date in 2024 (and Book #4 finished in April), bringing me to 29% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 1 book behind schedule to meet my goal. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

#MicroblogMondays: See you in my dreams

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. I don't always remember them in great detail, but I do remember snatches of some, and hazy overall themes. And I've noticed that a lot of the same themes keep popping up, over and over again!  

Some of them include:   

• Being chased: getting inside the house -- but the door will NOT latch!! (There's always a gap between the door frame and the door!)  
• My teeth falling out (and rattling around inside my mouth -- eek!). I haven't had one of those dreams in quite a while (knock wood!) -- but I remember the horror of realizing I had broken a tooth once (in real life!) and fishing chunks of tooth out of my mouth and thinking, "OMG, it's just like in my dream!!"  
• Flying! -- on my own, not in an airplane!  (In my dreams, it's like doing the breaststroke in the air, lol.)  
• Tornados. (I know where this one comes from:  my grandfather was deathly afraid of bad weather, and kept an eagle eye on the weather report. At the first sign of approaching storms, he'd hustle us over a neighbour's house where there was a basement we could shelter in.)  
• My grandparents' house, built in the early 1900s, had a simple dirt cellar, accessed through a trap door in the kitchen floor.  I do remember going down there during bad weather when I was very young, but my grandfather didn't think it was very stable -- which is why we began heading over to the neighbour's house!  But in my dreams, I'm often heading down into that cellar -- and finding not only a 1970s-style rec room down there, but an entire underground city...!  
• Related:  Finding hidden rooms & attics in my grandparents' house (which was torn down in 1998).  
• Finding a book that takes my family history back several generations, with handwritten notes that I'm dying to read -- but I wake up before I can actually read what's in it!  
• Visiting a cemetery or mausoleum and wandering around endlessly, trying to find where Katie & other family members are buried.  
• Being back in school, not attending class all term -- and then finding out I still have to write the exam! and scrambling to make my way across a HUGE campus to get to the exam location on time! (I think this is a common one!) (Note that the last time I was in a classroom of any sort was FORTY YEARS AGO!!  lol)  
• Being back in my old university dorm, and wandering around through the hallways, up & down stairs... 
• Wandering endlessly through the underground PATH that connects all the office towers in downtown Toronto. It's often either deserted, or crowded with people.  And I'm often trying to find my way to a bookstore!  lol  
• Being at work. (Yes, 10 years after I was let go, I am STILL dreaming about work!!)  
• Being at work AFTER I was let go. In my dreams, I was told they wanted me back, urgently -- so I return to the office, only to have people giving me funny looks, like "What's SHE doing here?"  
• Related:  Going up & down endless flights of stairs between floors. (We DID have elevators!) 
• Being the odd person out/the only one (if not specifically childless). Not only a reflection on my childlessness, but probably also my childhood, where I was often "the new girl" and the oddball because of my good grades, love of reading (and using big words!), and my ineptitude at sports! 

Do you remember your dreams?  Do you find certain themes or scenarios being repeated over & over again?  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

"Widowland" by C.J. Carey (re-read)

North American cover 

Our upcoming book for May for the Nomo Book Club within the Childless Collective private online community will be "Queen High" by C.J. Carey (which goes by the title "Queen Wallis" in North America).  I've already read that book in October 2022 (reviewed here), but I knew I'd want to re-read it to refresh my memory before our discussion began -- particularly since I'll be the one leading it! (lol) 

But I also realized I wanted to try to squeeze in a re-read of her earlier book, "Widowland" (which we read together in November 2021 -- past review here). (Side note:  Our Zoom discussion of "Widowland" was held at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. here in North America!  As much as I loved the book & was dying to discuss it with someone, I did NOT set my alarm!  lol I eventually talked up both books so much to dh that he wound up reading them both too -- and enjoying them!)   

I wasn't sure I would have time to re-read both -- but "Widowland" was (still) a speedy read, and I still have just under two weeks to go before the beginning of May, so...  ;)  

I've often described "Widowland" (and "Queen High/Queen Wallis") as "Fatherland" by Robert Harris crossed with Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale." (I've also heard comparisons to George Orwell's "1984" and Philip K. Dick's "The Man in the High Castle,"  although I haven't read those -- yet!)  I'm not especially interested in fantasy or science fiction, generally, but I've always found alternative history/speculative/dystopian fiction intriguing -- especially those with the premise that the Nazis won World War II -- and these two books fall squarely into that category.  

The central premise of "Widowland" (and "Queen High/Queen Wallis") is that Britain capitulated to Germany in 1940, formed an "alliance" with them and is now operating under a Nazi "Protectorate." Memories of "the Time Before" are fading (and are actively discouraged). Most able-bodied men have been sent to labour camps, and women have been classified according to age, heritage, reproductive status and physical characteristics -- which determines where they live, the rations they receive, the clothes they wear, the kind of work they do, etc. 

At the top of the pecking order are the most pure and beautiful young women -- the "Gelis" (named for the niece Hitler was obsessed with -- who committed suicide). Also highly ranked: the "Klaras" -- fertile mothers of at least four children. At the bottom of the ladder (just guess!!) are the "Friedas" -- childless widows over 50, who do menial labour, receive subsistence-level rations (no meat or eggs), and are relegated to live in the rundown, fenced-off slums known as "Widowlands." 

King George VI and his family disappeared shortly after the Alliance was formed, and King Edward VIII and his American divorcee wife (now Queen), Wallis Simpson, have returned from exile. After a long delay, their coronation will be held on May 2, 1953, and the Leader himself (i.e., Hitler) will be coming to Britain for the first time to attend. 

The Coronation -- and the Leader's visit -- are two weeks away, and tensions are running high. Subversive graffiti, in the form of quotations from now mostly forgotten female authors ("Strengthen the female mind by enlarging it and there will be an end to blind obedience" -- Mary Wollstonecraft;  “Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.” -- Virginia Woolf), painted in large bright red letters, has been popping on libraries and other public buildings around the country. The prime suspects are the Friedas of the Widowlands:  they remember "the Time Before," they know the literature -- and they have little to fear, because they have so little to lose. 

Although the book is titled "Widowland," the central character is Rosalind "Rose" Ransom, a "Geli," who works at the Ministry of Culture, editing/rewriting classic works by the likes of Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte to make their heroines more submissive and acceptable to the new regime. After hours, she's the reluctant mistress of her SS boss (who is married, with a wife and children back in Germany). She's 29 years old, and the clock is ticking before her lack of a husband and children will subject her to reclassification. 

With two weeks to go before the Leader arrives, Rose has been tasked with interviewing some of the residents of Widowland and identifying suspects. What she learns from these women changes her life -- and, possibly, the course of history. 

Two and a half years after I first read it, I'm more conscious of the book's flaws, as pointed out by other reviewers. And (and I realize I'm biased! ;)  ) I (still!) would have loved to see more of the Widowlands and Friedas than we do.  ;)  To me, they are the true heroines of this book!  

Original U.K. edition cover 

But overall, I found this book just as riveting (and chilling) as I did the first time around. As I said in my original review, "It's derivative -- there have been other "what if Hitler won the war" novels & films -- but this dystopian premise, combined with feminism, childlessness and the subversive power of literature is a potent mixture and highly thought provoking."  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I first read it (and I find myself recommending it to others at every opportunity!) -- I think that says something! 

Moreover, given the current political climate in many countries around the world -- books, libraries and freedom of the press under attack, voting rights being eroded, women's reproductive freedoms and other rights being rapidly rolled back (not to mention rampant pronatalism and misogyny) --  and a critical U.S. election just months away -- I found the book's messages even more relevant than I did when I originally read it. 

My original rating of 4.5 stars, rounded up to 5, stands.  

Text note: As I mentioned here, there are some differences between the original U.K. hardcover version (published by Quercus) and the North American edition (published in paperback and digital formats by Sourcebooks)  -- most notably at the very end. I first noticed this when the North American paperback version came out (I already had the original hardcover edition from the U.K.). 

I'm planning to go back to both books, once I've finished them, and do a closer comparison. (Hey, i used to do stuff like this for a living...!)  So far, I've mostly noticed changes in spelling (e.g., "favour" in the U.K. edition becomes "favor") and terminology (e.g., "Commissioner" becomes "minister"). 

This was Book #12 read to date in 2024 (and Book #3 finished in April), bringing me to 27% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 1 book behind schedule to meet my goal.  :(   You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

Odds & ends

• The Childless Collective Summit -- a rare opportunity for CNBCers to gather en masse -- was held in Charleston, South Carolina last weekend. I had #summitenvy as I scanned my social media feeds, looking for photos!  
• I was also a little envious when I heard that Australia's Senate is holding an inquiry into menopause and perimenopause. (We in North America really need to get with the program!!)  Sarah Roberts at The Empty Cradle has made a submission that expresses some of the unique concerns of aging childless women (adapted from a previous submission she and Judy Graham made to the Queensland Women's Strategy). Her submission is #121 at this link.  
• The Full Stop podcast is celebrating 5 years of monthly episodes on May 19th! Their May episode is being recorded THIS Sunday, April 21st!  
• Listeners are being invited to ask a question, or share a message via Speakpipe, to be answered by the hosts. Here's a link!  
• There will be a competition with prizes, too!  
• Jess was a guest on the Adoption Unfiltered podcast, talking with hosts Lori (adoptive parent), Sara (adoptee) & Kelsey (birth mom) about pronatalism, and her decision NOT to adopt and to remain childless. (She wrote about it here.)  The podcast is available on the Adoption Unfiltered website, YouTube and various podcast platforms. It's an amazing, in-depth and much-needed conversation, and well worth a watch/listen!  
• Mel recently flagged this lovely article from Oregon Humanities: "Fertile Ground:  Reflections on grief and gardening." 
• This is a great article from Next Avenue (a couple of years old) about "The Long-Term Realities of Being Childless."  
• Medium articles are sometime paywalled (boo, hiss), but if you can access "The Childless Woman Who Soared:  A modern fable and love story to a woman long demonised" by Nadia Huq, it's so lovely, and well worth a read!  Excerpt:  

...a child is not actually a goal, when you think about it.

A child is a map...

But for women without children there is no map.

And instead of a well-trodden highway, there are fields and forests and lakes and seas.

So what does she do?

Perhaps if she has chosen this life with a free and easy heart, she bounds into the landscape, excited by this unconquered territory.

But if not, perhaps she sits down and she cries. How will I ever find my way? She wonders. She has no tools. No handbook. Precious little confidence. She feels wholly unequipped for this life.

She feels sad, and no wonder, for all she has ever heard of this life is its’ many heartaches and regrets. For a time, she simply sits and cries.

But she has courage, and eventually, she rises....

• I'm not sure if this is behind a paywall either, but Alison Motluk's post on her Substack "Hey Reprotech" is also worth a read and share (especially if you know someone who is thinking about freezing their eggs):  "Questions no one asked at the egg freezing webinar." (She recently sat in on a webinar about egg freezing, and she was struck "by how few questions were asked, and how so many seemed vague and unclear. I was also struck by how incomprehensible some of the answers were.")(Are we surprised?)  
• I was struck by a passage in a recent opinion piece by Shree Paradkar in the Toronto Star, about abortion rights and the recently resurrected law from 1864 (!) in Arizona. (Apologies if it's behind a paywall;  there wasn't a gift link.)  This passage in particular rang SO true to me:  

Mainstream pregnancy stories are often about grinning mommies and gurgling babies, often in heterosexual relationships, living in relative luxury, with a shopping component thrown in — what to get for the baby? Heavens forbid we ignore the capital to be squeezed out of every life experience.

If there is a deviation from such narrow representation, it is to express sadness and grief — about a woman’s inability to become pregnant or an inability to carry a fetus to term. Don’t get me wrong. Having babies can be a wonderful experience, and not having one can leave one with profound sense loss. But the archaic, gendered expectation of giving birth is so seeped in the pores of our society that women often internalize feelings of inadequacy even when the issue is outside their control. Someone not wanting to be pregnant is too outside the realm of this blinkered view.

• I read some great pieces about the recent eclipse. I loved how Lyz Lenz ended hers, in her Men Yell At Me Substack, "Chasing the dark."  Excerpt:  

This lasts for three minutes. Three beautiful moments. Time passes. The moon moves. The sun flashes. And then it’s over. We have to pack. We have to go so we can get home before too late. Because there is school tomorrow. And I have to work.

As we walk back to the car, my daughter says she can’t believe things have to go back to how they were. “This should have changed everything,” she says.

I know what she means. I’ve felt this before in moments of grief. The way your world changes with loss, but the stock market doesn’t stop, school buses still arrive. The world ended, but it didn’t. I wonder about all the small world-endings. All the apocalypses we see and walk by. How grief and miracles are the same. A brief rip into the light. We peer into it and then we are expected to return to the same. Together we’ve seen the light change. We’ve seen the sun disappear.  I know they’ll remember this one. Together we will remember the tear in space, how it felt so vast, how we held hands through every minute of it as it passed. 

I think about the last eclipse and I tell her I think everything is different. We just don’t know the shape of it yet.